Respect is defined as “admiration for someone or something that you believe has good ideas or qualities.”
So, by definition, in order for another person to respect you they have to:
(a) admire you, and
(b) you must actually have good ideas or qualities that are worthy of admiration.
The great Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoyevsky observed “If you want to be respected by others, the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you.”
I agree with Dostoyevsky.
If you don’t have positive qualities, how can you expect anyone else to admire you?
Men have to realize that perhaps the reason why they are not getting the sex they want, the true partnership they desire, and the deference to their leadership they expect is because their wife or LTR simply doesn’t respect them. And, like Dostoyevsky indicated, the real problem at the root of this problem is a lack of self-respect.
To get the marriage you want, you simply must develop greater self-respect. You will then have earned the respect you want from your wife, and incorrectly believe you are entitled to by virtue of mumbling a few words during a marriage ceremony.
The fact is your wife wants to respect you. She wants to give herself to you wholeheartedly, body, mind, and spirt. She wants to defer to your leadership. Too often, however, you make it really hard for her.
Face the facts. Your wife doesn’t owe you anything. She doesn’t owe you wild and passionate sex. She doesn’t owe you a happy life. She doesn’t owe you any deference to your leadership. You have to continually earn it by being the kind of man who respects himself and shows to her he is worthy of her respect.
I have identified several ways that some men self-sabotage their way out of having the kind of relationship they want.
They get fall down drunk every time they go out.
If every time you go out together she knows she will end up driving at the end of the night because always get too sloppy drunk to get behind the wheel, you are not worthy of her respect.
In my own life, I believe driving is my responsibility, and if I’ve let myself get so intoxicated that I have to shift that responsibility to her I’ve failed her and myself.
If you feel like you cannot enjoy her company without getting sloppy, you have issues with yourself. It’s that’s simple. No, I’m not saying don’t enjoy some wine with dinner, but I am saying to have some self-control and don’t allow it to get out-of-hand. Save that for when you are with your male friends, if at all.
I remember one time when I was at a party, very early in the night one of the husbands was already stumbling around and nodding off alone on a couch, barely able to be roused. He ended up vomiting in the bathroom and passing out on the couch while it was still early. His wife, obviously used to this behavior, ended up visibly shaking her head in disgust and laughing at him with her friends, including other men.
His behavior demonstrated a decided lack of self-respect, and he should have no expectation of any admiration from his wife. In fact, he deserved to be laughed at and deserved her obvious contempt.
If you can’t enjoy a night out with your wife without getting shit-faced drunk you should know that the time to unfuck yourself is now.
You disappear into your “Man-Cave” every night.
First of all, if you have a place you call your “Man Cave” that is meant to watch sports while drinking copious amounts of beer, you have an issue. I’m not saying not to have hobbies. I’m not saying not to have a study where you can read, work, think, or write or a workshop where you can build things. These latter activities include the act of creation. You are, in fact, doing something.
If you have a “Man Cave,” the purpose of which is to watch other men doing something on as large an HD screen as possible while you increase your already high estrogen levels drinking beer, and wear shirts with another man’s name on your back, you are not creating anything. You are being lazy while others get shit done. You are escaping. You are not demonstrating any self-respect or earning any respect from anyone else, most particularly your wife.
In fact, she probably feels a certain level of contempt for you. She won’t verbalize that feeling, but it’s likely clear through her actions she is demonstrating it, and it’s well-deserved.
This contempt is demonstrated through infrequent duty starfish sex, talking shit behind your back to her friends, and not deferring to you in any area of life.
Your beer belly continues to grow.
Don’t believe the lie. “Dad Bods” are not attractive. Your gut should not stick out further than your chest.
This indicates a lack of self-control and a lack of self-respect. Women don’t want to be led by men who can’t even manage to lead themselves.
By failing the very basics of fitness, you are showing you are not worthy of admiration because you can’t even do the basics to show that you can defend her physically if you had to.
She may lie to you and tell you she likes a soft belly because it’s comfortable to cuddle with, or that men with “Dad Bods” have a great sense of humor, but she is probably only humoring you.
Lift. Stop eating like an asshole. Stop drinking so much. Make the physical improvements you know are necessary and can easily be accomplished with even a minimal amount of self-discipline.
You make her pick out your clothes like she’s your mommy.
Your wife doesn’t want to be your mother. She wants to be your lover.
She doesn’t want to make decisions for you. She wants you to be decisive. If you can’t even do the simple things, like ensure you have presentable clothing that fits correctly, and can make the easy decisions, like whether you should wear the dark jeans or khaki chinos, she will never trust you to make the important decisions that will affect the lives of her and your children.
You have made clear that you have ceded even the simplest of leadership roles and are dependent on her, and she can never respect someone who is so quick to cede leadership.
You fail to keep your word.
Do you continually tell her you’re going to do something, and fail to live up to your promises?
Do you forget to pick up the bread on the way home from work like you said you would do?
Do you fail to pay bills and rack up late fees because you forgot?
Do you tell her you will be available to pick the kids up from school, and fail to follow through at the last minute?
Do you promise a date night alone at a nice restaurant, and at the last minute include your boys in the night out and take her to a bar to watch the baseball game instead (after all, it is the playoffs!).
If you don’t do what you say you’re going to do, you demonstrate that you are not worthy of admiration.
It shows you are unreliable and not dependable. It shows her you can’t be trusted.
The motto of the Fraternity of Excellence is Acta Non Verba, “Actions Not Words.” If you consistently fail to keep your word you are demonstrating that your words are meaningless.
You must act and show that you care. One way of doing that is by acting in congruence with your words. Your words mean nothing if they are not followed by concrete action.
Sometimes the problem is not with “the relationship” or with your wife, it is with you. While it’s not always the case, it usually is.
She is not acting the way you think she should nor showing the affection you think you are entitled to because she simply doesn’t respect you.
The thing is… she wants to and will, if you show yourself to be respectable.
I’ve just scratched the surface with ways some demonstrate a lack of self-respect and concomitant lack of respect from their wives, but the factors I’ve identified are a good start.
You may have a lot of work to do to begin to respect yourself and earn it from her, but you have to start somewhere. Begin with correcting one of the factors I’ve identified and work hard at fixing it.
Don’t do it for her. Do it for yourself. If you lack self-respect, it’s time to put in the work. Make yourself a higher value man. She’ll recognize it and, if it’s too late, and the relationship is truly over, you will put yourself in a better position when you start over.
Just make the decision and get to work.