Forging The Married Intimacy You Want

“My wife won’t have sex with me.”

“My wife is cold to me.”

“My wife has changed, she’s no longer the same person she was when we started dating.” 

If these scenarios describe your marriage, guess what?

It might be your fault.

That’s right. It’s probably on you.

That’s the bad news. 

The good news is that you can also take steps to fix yourself and improve your sex life.   

As humans it is our natural tendency to want to blame everyone else whenever something is not going right in our lives.

“She’s a bitch.”

“She’s cold.”

“She’s distant.”

“She doesn’t respect me.”


If you aren’t getting the sex you want – and I don’t mean the mechanical starfish duty sex that you may be getting on rare occasions – it’s because there is probably something you’re doing or not doing that makes her not want you.   

She might not respect you.

She might not believe you can lead and protect her.

She might not desire you because you have made yourself physically undesirable.

She might view you as a child she has to mother.

These are facts to face.

You are in some way not the high-quality man she wants to desire.  

She wants to want you, but you have to play your part too.

Saying “I do” just doesn’t automatically equal a lifetime of passionate on-demand sex. It doesn’t work that way.  

You have to earn it through your attitude, your appearance, and your leadership. When you get these things right, you will barely be able to contain her passion. You will know it.

Here’s some questions to ask yourself

What kind of shape are you in?

Do you have a beer belly? A “Dad Bod?”

Would you rather spend all your time watching other men play sports, instead of time spent exciting her?

Do you prefer watching porn on your phone instead of pursuing and challenging her?

Do you get drunk and embarrass her every time you go out?

Are you fun and unpredictable?

Do you keep her guessing?

Do you plan nights out and make the decisions on what you will do?  

When you do get your duty sex, do you make it fun for her?

Do have an independent self-identity and a mission separate from her that she can support?

These are all questions all married men who don’t get the sex they want need to ask themselves.

Be honest.

The Good News

It’s within your power to change all of this. You can turn the ship around.

You can excite her again.

You can be the man she desires again.

But, it is up to you.

The easiest one is your appearance. Getting in good enough shape to be better than 95% of the slobs out there is remarkably easy. Just think of how low the bar is set. Gain a little muscle and lose some body fat and bam, you are doing better than most American men.

If you don’t know what you are doing, invest in yourself and spend some money on a professional to help you dial in your training and your nutrition.

This is seriously so easy, but not simple. You know what you have to do. Just do it.

How do you dress?

Does she pick out your clothes for you? If you answered “yes.” Stop it right now. She’s not your mother and you aren’t a child. She will never respect you if you can’t even accomplish the simplest tasks on your own.

Do you wear pajamas or ill-fitting Costco sweatpants when you go anywhere?

Do you really want to be like the mass of men out there who look like shit and have zero respect for themselves?

Your wife wants someone she can respect and admire. That guy is not the schlub who lets her pick out his clothes like he’s her son, and who doesn’t give a second thought as to how he looks.

This is so easy, and it doesn’t have to be expensive. There are numerous free resources out there to start with.

How is your attitude?

Do you complain about everything? Your boss. The weather. The fact that the store ran out of Coors Light.

She doesn’t want to hear your complaints about things she can’t control. She wants to view you as someone solidly in control of his emotions and every situation.

Do blame everyone else for your problems?

Do you shy away from difficult tasks because you want your life to be a comfortable one?

Do you have goals, know yourself, and know where you are heading?

Do you have friends who challenge you and make you better or friends who bring you down a few notches because they still act like middle school students?

Are you boring? Here’s a secret, no one has fun with a boring person. Predictability leads to boredom.  

By making yourself higher value, you can once again get the intimacy and passion you may have once had but lost.

Make a plan and execute

It won’t pay dividends overnight, but with enough work it probably will.

This is what men do. We plan and execute.  

If it doesn’t work, and the relationship is too far gone to make right, then by taking these steps you have already put in the work to make yourself higher value for your future time as a single man.

It’s a win-win situation. Either she will get to enjoy the fruits of the work you’ve put in or someone else will.

Get to work.